An intolerance of complexity

This planet shits me.

Everywhere you look, people don't seem to be interested in understanding complicated issues.  People want everything to be simple. They want problems to be fixed, and regardless of the problem, or should I say the challenge, in front of them, people want the answer to be simple and uncomplicated.

This much is clear to anyone who has ever offered an opinion in an online forum.  Earlier this evening, I offered an opinion that a meme was sexist.  My point was that the meme only made sense if you accepted the premise that women are in need of protection.

The forum exploded with an onslaught of commentary regarding my hatred of good manners.  All manners. It was assumed that I thought it was sexist to hold a door open for a female even if they had their hands full. I was forced to defend myself by claiming to be able to be polite and non-sexist at the same time.

It seems that when people want everything to be simple. Black or white. You like cats or dogs, not both, and not neither. You have to like coffee or tea. If you have sugar in tea, not having it in coffee is some kind of cultural betrayal.

It is my hypothesis that when you want everything to be simple and uncomplicated, you tend to see every idea as a simple one. The idea will either work perfectly, or not at all. 

When a problem affects people, the reality of life is that problems are complex in nature, and can not  be understood in totality without considering the many variations of context and the human experience.  In response to these problems, the idea's that are put forward, and the impact that each idea might have on people, almost always are subject to the same level of complexity.

There are many downsides to this outlook, and the one that troubles me the most is that it positions all of us as being for, or against, every idea.

I dislike this.  This makes me salty.  When issues and ideas are simplified like this, it creates an environment where it becomes difficult, if not impossible to discuss an idea without being cast as being 100% for it, or 100% opposed.

If you are broadly in support of an idea, then it is expected that you will support all the idea and all of the other supporters of the idea, or in fact abandon the idea, if it is supported by a person of less than stellar integrity.

The stupidist example of this that I can think of is the argument that Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian. Now I have my doubts that this is true. In researching for this post, I spent a few minutes with google and discovered many propaganda posts suggesting it is true, and a few links to actual historical references that suggest that it probably isn't.

Now where was I?  Oh yes, I have actually heard people claim that you can't claim to be vegetarian for ethical reasons because Hitler was a vegetarian. Who cares. Stalin was not a vegetarian and he ate meat, so if the one is true so must the other be.  Now what am I meant to eat!

The reality is that this story probably isn't true, but it is still used to discredit animal rights organisations, and people get away with this kind of point because we have all accepted the reality that if you are aligned with an idea, you must be aligned with all those that do.

If you score a point on someone with this technique, that doesn't embarrass them, it embarrasses you.  If you demand someone abandon an idea because of someone else who supports it, that makes you an arsehole, not a statesman. 

Christmas

In recent weeks I have had suicidal thoughts.  They didn't last long and they did not pose a danger to me, but depression is real and these thoughts are there.  I understand that this is common at this time of year, due to the disconnection that people feel at Christmas, at a time when everyone is supposed to be surrounded by loved ones, but that is not a reality for everyone.

This year I spent my Christmas Day alone. My family has not spent Christmas together since 1989, and despite being invited to join others at various times over the years, I have never belonged and normally feel uncomfortable, so spending the day alone is more common than other options, and throughout the last 30 years I have probably spent Christmas Day alone about 20 times.

This year on Christmas day I received a single phone call, from a young friend who has spent the last few years growing up homeless and without a family.  We spoke for maybe 10 minutes. I didn’t speak to anyone else all day, and although I sent a number of text messages to the people I love, I did not get any responses.  This is normal, as people are busy and have their own families and concerns. Christmas is a very lonely time for me. This year it was just longer.

Having annual leave at this time of year sounds great, and I am lucky enough to have a workplace that insists that I do.  This year I was required to take 4 weeks, and i had a full 31 days off work. Throughout that time I was able to spend some time with others socially on only 6 or 7 occasions. I tried to get out, and I asked people to meet up, I suggested meeting for coffee, I invited people for lunch, I even invited two friends to go to the coast. I invited people to go swimming and to go to the movies, but in the end, I walked my dog and watched Netflix for 24 days.  On most of those days I did not speak to anyone, because there was no one to speak to. That may be okay for some people, but I live alone, and it’s not okay for me. I have realised that it is time to face up to the fact that I do not have any friends.

I understand that there are a few people who care about me, and who enjoy my company but it is clear that they are not people who want me in their life every day, or even every week. They don't call me, or invite me to attend social events, or even respond to my calls and messages most of the time.

This year I received two Christmas presents, which is two more than most years.  Both were received from young people i have known for only a few years, and to who I am more grateful for the gift of their time that they have given me.  Receiving gifts is not something that I do often. Other than a few bottles of scotch that I received for my last significant birthday, I have not received a birthday present since 2001, when I was given a wrist watch by the children of an ex girlfriend.   I don't really think about this very much but it helps paint the picture of the lonely life I lead, which is important in understanding my Christmas.

So Christmas for me is both a dark and lonely time, and I suppose i should explain why. Every year people say things like, ‘you should take time to go and see your family’, and you should use the time to have a holiday, or ‘you should spend more time with your friends’. The problem is that none of those things are realistic.  The people I would love to go on a holiday with are the people telling me to do it with someone else, and as for family, none of them want to spend time with me, and to be fair, I don’t want to spend time with them either.

You see, my family stopped being a family on Christmas Day 1989 at about 1.30pm, now nearly 30 years ago.  I was 24, and I had taken the time to drive up to the Northern Beaches on Christmas morning and arrived about 11am.  Everyone was there, my mum and dad, my two brothers, and my sister, her 5 year old son, and her new boyfriend.

It seemed like a normal day. There was a Christmas tree, and gifts, and christmas music was on the stereo. Dad was cooking lunch, and had as it turned out purchased a turkey that didn’t fit in the oven. It was warm day and I was talking to my brothers about heading down to the surf after lunch, as we did most years.

Plans for cooking the turkey had resulted in an argument between my Dad and my sister and it had became heated. I don’t remember the details or who was in favor of what, and eventually the argument died down.  Then a little while later it inflamed again about something else. I don't remember the cause but I do remember word for word, a sudden outburst from my sister. In the middle of making a point she suddenly screamed at my dad, and said “you wreck everything, you always wreck everything, you wrecked me when you raped me, you are a monster”.  My sister was 24 at the time.

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to say.  The only thing I knew was that I didn’t want to be there. I got in my car, and I drove home to Canberra.  I didn’t speak to my father, to my sister or to my brothers. I let everyone down by not sharing their grief and by not doing anything, and not following up. I don’t even know if the turkey ever got cooked.

I tried not to think about it, I didn’t know how to process it and I didn’t have anyone I could talk to. I don’t know if what my sister said was true, and whilst I had been imagining that it that it might be true, I was thrown completely by the police investigation.  

I was contacted a few weeks later by Sergeant Liz Quaid from AFP.  I remember every detail of this conversation. She told me that my sister had reported that she had been raped and that she had named me as a witness.  She had told the police that I knew everything. I did not. The thing that really threw me though was that my sister had also told the police that my father had participated in the satanic ritual murder of a baby, and that she and I had been taken to this event by my father, and that I would remember it.  I did not.

I was required to go to Civic Police station and make a formal statement.  I felt extremely stupid and embarrassed. Constable Quaid told me there was no evidence of a missing baby at the time of the reported murder, which relieved me greatly.  I later discovered that this kind of story was common in that time, as a result of a since discredited form of regression therapy.

After that, my sister disappeared and didn’t return for 7 years, having denied her son the opportunity to attend primary school for 3 of those years.  She has never been the same and the strong, independent and capable young woman has become a shell of her former self, and the best years of her life have been lost.

For many years after that Christmas I had assumed that these incidents never occurred, and when my father died in 1997, I realised I had lost the opportunity to even ask him.  In 2019 however I now wonder if there was truth underlying it. I have no recollection of my fathers reaction to the claims. My mother has never spoken of it. So now, I don’t know at all.

Now I avoid Christmas if I can, and see family at different times if at all.  Christmas reminds me of this event. My family is not a place to spend Christmas with, so I spend it at home, and on my own.  

Every year I get depressed and deal with things in a different way.  This year I had a large number of very serious health scares. With no one to really talk to, I have found myself feeling lonelier than I ever had previously.  A lot lonelier. So this year I had suicidal thoughts. I was never in any danger of suicide, but it scared me to have those thoughts.

I have seen a counselor and have been told that I should tell the people I am closest to that I have been having suicidal thoughts, and why. So I decided I need to write it all down. I am not at risk, I am just a bit lonely, more so at Christmas, and that is something I can live with.

Importantly I want to say thank you to those people who have shared their time with me, which is the greatest gift you can give,    

M